Two Turtle Doves

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"A Partridge in a Pear Tree" on the podcast YouTube channel

"Two Turtle Doves", released on December 26, 2018,[1] is the second installment of the 12 Days of Hello Internet series. The series consists of twelve parts, released one day at a time from December 2018 to January 2019, that together serve as Hello Internet's fifth annual Christmas special and as its 116th overall episode.


It's Bucsing Day, brody. I could have Googled this five seconds ago. Do you know what? It's called Boxing Day. I have no idea what it's called Boxing Day. You know how there were things you're told when you're a kid and the adults are making a joke at your expense and you don't realise it and you think they're telling the truth? Mm-hmm. I think that has happened to me with Boxing Day and I think I spent 20 years of my life thinking it was called Boxing Day because of Boxing Matches. Like a big Boxing Matches were held on Boxing Day. Is that... Our big Boxing Matches held on Boxing Day? I don't think so. But maybe they once were. Or is it as simple as because we put things in boxes that just seems... doesn't seem right? Maybe YouTubers can start having Boxing Matches on Boxing Day. That would seem like a thing to do. Oh, look at you, brody. You're going to go look it up. Looking up things. Who cares? I thought it was you put things back in boxes and you're returning them. That's what I thought was Boxing Day. Etymology. There are competing theories for the origins of the term none of which are definitive. The dictionary gives the earliest attestations from Britain in the 1830s defining it as the first weekday after Christmas Day. Observed as a holiday. Servants of various kinds expect to receive a Christmas Box. Ah, this ring is a bell now. And Christmas Box given to the servants. In Britain, it was accustomed for tradesmen to collect Christmas boxes of money or presents on the first weekday after Christmas. Makes sense. So it does seem to relate to presents. I'm not saying anything about Boxing Matches. So I think I was having the Mickey Trap. He'd taken out of me. So we've still got this huge mountain of Christmas cards in front of us. It's actually been three minutes since we recorded the last episode. Are you ruining it? You're ruining the magic. Should I ruin the magic? I'm sorry. I mean, we recorded an episode on Boxing Day Morning. Yeah. We're getting together. Gray's getting the train to Bristol 12 days on a road. 12 days in a row. Yes. Although we will actually be together on Boxing Day. Yes. As we usually are. Most years, I think we've made that work out. Yeah. It's been a bit of a tradition now. So that's why we're recording in person right now on Boxing Day for people. This is quite weird. So we'll be able to listen to this together on Boxing Day that we recorded. I don't want to listen to an episode of Hello Internet with you. Like once the episodes are recorded and they're edited, they go up and never listen to them again. They go. Right. They just, you move forward in life. You don't look back. All right. So all right. Let's go through some Christmas cards. All right. Should I go first this time? Yeah. All right. Let me take this one randomly chosen. This is, it has something written in another language on the front. It says, pretty cursed Argan. And it's a picture of an old fashion picture. Oh, it's from Amsterdam. From Ralph in South Holland. Wishing us happy holidays and best wishes. Just a simple question. The sort of question you said not to ask. Okay. I don't think I put this one on the pile. So I think you must have put it on the pile. Maybe I did put it on the pile. Oh, no, I did put this on the pile. It says, what is your favorite Christmas food or snack? Favorite Christmas food or snack? It's harder with Christmas. Like other holidays have more clearly defined foods. Christmas is difficult. It's difficult but more fun in a way, because there are so many more options. Like when I think of Christmas food, I think of when as a family, we opened presents on Christmas Eve. My parents would often just put out little bowls of snacks, chips or M&Ms and all this, like this kind of stuff. Yeah. And I don't know. That's what I think of as very Christmasy kind of thing. It's just like there's a little selection of foods to munch on while you're opening packages. But I can't think of a definitive Christmas food. This is totally a Thanksgiving question. It's not a Christmas question. What maud you have on Christmas day? Like what's the Christmas meal for your family? Like would it be like a turkey or a roast chicken? Oh god, my parents are going to probably be so appalled. I don't have it. I don't have it in my head. I clear my... You know what's blocking? What's blocking my thought is my wife has gotten into the habit of making Christmas tacos. Absolutely delicious. Like she has this particular recipe that is fabulous. And I think we've had Christmas tacos for many years in a row. But I cannot think of something in particular when I was a kid. So I'm realizing as I'm talking, the thought in my head is like, you idiot, just say Christmas tacos. Yes. Christmas tacos are my favorite Christmas food. Yeah. On the second day of Christmas, my wife made for me two Christmas tacos. I would like you to sing the rest of the song. What does she put in the tacos? Does she Christmas them up? Have they got like a bit of cranberry and then more a bit of turkey for a novelty or are they sort of real Mexican style? It's a gigantic plate of tacos covered in cheese but the whole thing is put in the oven. So like the taco bit becomes crispy as well. It's just a big crispy pile of deliciousness. But as far as ingredients, I don't know. Like it just comes out and is delicious and I eat it. No, so there's nothing like bespoke Christmas. There's no novelty to it other than it's just well executed. Yeah, it's well executed and it's on Christmas. What about you, Brady? Well, it's funny. I have like my Australian Christmas memories of Christmas food and then obviously I've been taken into the fold of a new family and have a whole new bunch of Christmas foods. But back in Australia, the thing I really loved having on Christmas day was a big fresh prawn cocktail. Like with big huge, big juicy prawns and prawn cocktail like seafood sauce and like dipping the prawns into the lovely sauce, that pink sauce. So I always associate big juicy prawns with Christmas. This is Australian thing. I mean, I was going to say that seems incredibly un-Christmasy but I am the man who has just said tacos as my Christmas food. And also remember, it's summer in Australia. Right. No, I know. You're having white wine in the sun. Exactly. Exactly. So I do that. I also do like, I associate it with like boxes of chocolates, like roses and box of roses or quality streets and that. But the other thing I do like quite a lot the little or derved type things you get which are like the mini sausages wrapped in bacon. Oh yeah, that's very delicious. Yeah. And I also, there's another version you get which is almost like stuffing, like a small cylinder of stuffing wrapped in bacon as well, like a sage stuffing, with a little bacon wrap around it. I do quite like that. I do like my meaty and I like a good not burned but very well done roast potato. Like I don't, I like my roast potato as well done. I'll always pick the brown ones out of the, I'll cherry pick the best ones out of the, which is a bit naughty of me now I think about it. Yeah, and a big, big dollop of gravy. Yeah. Do they do Christmas crackers in Australia? Yeah. The poppers. Yeah, I always lose at that. I always lose. I never really thought of it as a competition, but I guess this is your, your competing side coming out that you're supposed to get the side that has more people on it. Do you ever do the thing? You sit around the table when everyone crosses arms and holds the end of a cracker and everyone pulls at the same time. So you could potentially win two or lose two. Right. Like losing two, that's like the ultimate shame. Right, of course. Of course for you, Brady, that would be and your competitive side is coming out and you want to win two when you do the crackers. Is that luck or technique winning the Christmas cracker? I think it's a hundred percent technique for sure. Yeah, it's all about, it's all about the way you hold it. It's skill here, Brady. Never, never think for a second that it's luck. It's a skilled competition between individuals for those Christmas crackers. Do you wear the hat that comes out of the cracker? Mike, I've got a really big head and every time I put on those paper hats that come out of a Christmas cracker, it always splits apart straight away and breaks so I don't get to wear it. I am not able to fit those little crowns over my head either. But I have gamely attempted under social pressure to put the little paper hat on your head and it just never really works. Yeah. And I'm also another thing I'm really competitive about is figuring out like the riddle or the joke that comes inside. Like someone will say, oh, here's one. What do you call a duck with three legs or something? And you know, it's always got some corny arms. I'm always like, don't tell me. Right. I want to nut this one out. I want to figure it out. Duck, quack, leg. And I sit there and like a feather. What can I figure this one out? So I'm mentally exploring the puns base that's available with these words. That's right. Yeah, the puns base. Yeah. So anyway, there we go. Thank you, Ralph. We dealt with Christmas food snacks, tacos and prawns. All right, I'm going to try to do a little fully work as people can hear all these cards. Big pile of cards in front of us. It's so nice and so Christmasy. It really makes me happy. It is nice. All right, I'm going to grab this one. We've got a very fancy one. Oh, as you... Oh. Talk about fully work. I can't believe you got that one. You're so lucky. I wanted that one. I found that one last night when I was doing a sore and you got it. I hate to make it stop. You have to shut it to make it stop. No, but there's... No, no, no, no, like a Christmas nightmare. Wait, no, but where's the sensor? Because I want to read it. Break in case it's too annoying. I like this. Oh, okay. So... There we go. Ah! Thank you very much. Whoever sent this in with instructions on how to make it stop. Okay. Elon has sent this one in. Oh my god. Okay, this is a very long Christmas card. It opens three ways into three panels here with lots of writing on all the panels. So you're going to have a hard job finding whether... It's the nub of the nub of the nub of the nub. Where's the question there? Okay. Oh, they're from Israel and they wanted to let us know it's difficult to find a proper Christmas card in Israel for obvious reasons, but he managed. Okay. There's another thing in this card which I think came up a little bit when we did the referendum. But it makes me smile. I think of it again. Where Elon here realized after he bought the Christmas card, he didn't have any idea how to mail a physical letter to somebody else. What? Just through like an experience. Yeah, just through. I literally have no idea how to send a letter. I need to Google how to mail a Christmas card. That is like so like a sign of the times, isn't it? There's a whole generation of people who will have to Google how to send a letter. For me, this is checks. Like especially having as an adult moved to the UK. It's like, yes, in theory as a functioning adult, I should know how to write a check. But I have to look it up every time because the UK checks are a bit ambiguous about like what goes on what line compared to American checks. And I've only had to do it a handful of times in a decade. So it makes it makes me smile. All right. Okay. There's many things in this card. Let me find where is the question question question question. I mean, you're in the show anyway, Elon, because you got the the fairly work with the music. Yeah. Oh, it's a whole long thing. Okay. You know, he figured out how to send a Christmas card. He just didn't figure out how to write one. I think we're going to have to skip this question. Really? Too long. It's too elaborate. It's like Elon, A plus Christmas card. I love the instructions. But there's a whole big story that involves a bus and pressing a stop sign before pressing. Oh, no, no, no. I think I remember this one. I think I remember this one. You want to think he was good. Okay, exactly. Let me just remind myself. Yes, I remember this one. Okay. This is quite good. Okay, you give it to me that. Rather than reading it, I'll just summarise what it was. Okay. I think from memory what Elon was explaining was being on a bus and accidentally pressing the button to get off at the next stop. Right. When that wasn't his stop and I was like, Oh, no, what am I going to do? So the bus driver stops at the next stop because someone has requested it. And I think what Elon said, like the public shame of having been the person that pressed the button made him get off the bus and walk the rest of the way home. So the question is, if you were on a bus and you accidentally pressed the button and everyone knew the button was on you, would you like when the bus driver pulled over just held up your hand and say, sorry, not me. Or would you like just put your head down and get off the bus and walk away? I know I must have done this. I don't think I've ever gotten off early. But you would have to, I think you were in the position, especially if it's the people now, you have to be like, sorry, sorry, my mistake. Yeah. That's my guess is what I would, I think you have to do that. Would you be willing to do that? Like being like the shy person, or would you just anonymously get off and, you know, well, I think what I would actually try to do is just like look down at my phone and pretend and maybe just hope that the bus keeps going. But if you're getting off, the bus is going to stop and the bus driver's going to look at me. No, but what I mean is like, bus has stopped. Bus pulls over and I'm going to be like, oh, I'm just on my phone and just sort of hope hope for a moment that it just moves right along. No, it would be my hope. But if it didn't, then I'd have to be like, so you'd have to say sorry and it would be horrifically embarrassing and we'd hope to never see those people on the bus again. Audrey, you're starting to snow, you could get in trouble for that. I guess another version of this problem and an even harder one to deal with is in a lift, if it was just you and one other person in a lift and you were on the 10th floor and then you undercut them by mistake and press six and then you're like, oh, no, I'm not on six. Do you get off on six or do you just say to the person sorry, I'm actually on 10, we're just going to have to. I think at that moment what you do is you exaggerate your your flusteredness and like you're like, oh, oh, I'm so sorry. So like the things going on, I wasn't paying attention. Just flown in. You have to like way over compensate for it. Right. As opposed to the truth, it's like, I'm an idiot and I press the rock button. One more great, you're going to pull one more from the pile. You can pull this one as well. What do you go? I've got a tiny one which hopefully has a tiny question. That's a little mini card. Love it. It's a little mini card with Christmas sloths on the front of it. A little Christmas sloth on the back. Well, you know the scientific name for the sloth. No. It's it's Brady. Oh, is it? Okay. Isn't a Brady Puss a sloth? I think a Brady Puss, I think it's a story. I think that's a story your parents told you when you were a child. No, no, no. You were looking at sloths in Australia and they say, you know what, those things are really Paul. They're called Brady Pusses. Yeah, the three-toed sloth is a, it's the genus Brady Puss. Grace doing old man trying to rate small handwriting. No, it's more like the handwriting is really a thing. Oh, okay. If you could look into your future anytime in one minute moments. How forward would you look? Into my future or just like the future of humanity? Your future. You can look at one minute. A one minute segment. At any moment in your future, where would you look? Presumably I have some control over this. Like I'm not going to jump forward and just watch myself asleep or something like by coincidence. Like, yeah, let's say you have some weasenable amount of control. This is interesting, isn't it? Because this is, you know, I'm getting to a point in life now. We're like, my death starts factoring into this. Like, do I? And do I use this information to find out about like, you know, like, is this a situation where I'm saying, okay, Gray, I'm going to choose 45 years into the future. What's happening in your like, Brady? I got some news for you, mate. Let's maybe lower. Let's maybe go for a lot more time period. I don't want to tell you why. But let's just choose it. Say, let's take that out of it. I don't know. Like, it's a good feeling. Are you feeling your mortality in this moment, Brady? No, I feel my mortality every time I get out of bed in the morning. But it's a good question. It's a good question. But I don't yet know what my answer is to it. Have you gotten answer popping into your head or? Well, my immediate thought is essentially the same question that you have. But I would do it in a different way. Because what I would say is I want to see a thousand years into my future. Right. Because I want to know, I want to get that piece of information. Is there a future of a thousand years from now for you? Like, or are you dead? Because I think a one minute interval doesn't really give you. It's hard to imagine what useful information you could extract in the future. Unless in some kind of like back to the future way, we're able to plan for it. Like, oh, I want to look 10 years in the future. And then I remember 10 years in the future to have like on a piece of paper what stocks to buy. All right. For past me, we can create a paradox. Assuming you can't quite do that, I would just basically want to try to use this to know. Did the low probability event of extremely extended human lifespan happen? Right. And that is the useful piece of information to have. Like, yes, extremely long human lifespan happened. So you can kind of prepare for that. Or know it didn't. And you can also prepare for it. So first of all, it does raise the interesting prospect that you'll spend one minute looking at your head frozen in a freezer. But I didn't think about that. Yes, that's true. But like say like, you are alive in a thousand years or you're dead in a thousand years and you find that out. You say that you can prepare. What preparations are you going to make? Like, either way, what would you do different right now? If you know you're alive in a thousand years or you know you're dead in the somewhat less. I think if I knew for sure that I'm just going to have a normal human lifespan, which by the way, listen to it again, I do keep in the vastly most likely probability. But there is that little part of me, which is like, there's a 1% chance that maybe not. I really think that eliminating being like, no, there's not going to happen. Would change some things. Like I don't, I feel like I can't quite put my finger on something specific. But I think it would change the way I think about things to know that there is a 0% chance. You can't give me one example or something you do differently. Like are we talking about things like financial planning or like because you can't financial plan for a thousand years, can you? So are you talking about like risk management in your life? Or I don't really know what you? I can't even think of one thing. If you told me, Brady, you're going to be alive in a thousand years. I promise. I can't think of one thing I'd do differently now. Maybe I'd be more relaxed about things like holidays, like I wouldn't be thinking, oh, I must go and see Iceland because I want to see Iceland before I'm dead. I'll probably think, oh, well, maybe I'll go and see that in a couple of hundred years. Yeah, actually, I can come up, I can come up with something which is on my project's list in a way, I have some projects that would involve a bunch of learning. And I'm aware of with a regular human life feeling like you have to make some actual hard decisions about what projects that involve it, like a serious and time investment. Can you do or not? And I think to know that there was going to be extended life spans, I would feel like you with the trips more relaxed about this. Like, okay, I can focus on this one thing now because I know I will have time in the future to do this. So I can go and learn another language and it's like a waste of time. Exactly. Exactly. Perfect example, Brady. Okay. Yeah. I like that. It's already like things for projects though. It's like YouTube videos. Now I have to plan for a thousand years of YouTube videos and Hello Internet episodes. Oh, a thousand years of Hello Internet. That's a lot of Hello Internet. Well, speaking of a lot of Hello Internet, we'll be back tomorrow. We'll be back tomorrow. For another 12 days of Hello Internet mini-sade. I'm going home now and I'm going to see you again in Bristol tomorrow. Bye. Bye.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. "Two Turtle Doves". Hello Internet. Retrieved 26 December 2018.