Phill and Phil's Perfect Ten

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Phill And Phil's Perfect Ten
File:Phill and Phil's Perfect 10.jpg
Other namesThe Perfect Ten With Phill Jupitus And Phil Wilding
Country of originUnited Kingdom
StarringPhill Jupitus, Phil Wilding
AnnouncerStephen Fry
Produced bySimon Crosse, Charlie Jones, USP Content
Original release2008 – present
No. of episodes52 Perfect Tens + 7 Perfect ‘Ones'
Audio formatMP3
PodcastUSP Libsyn (dormant)

Phill And Phil's Perfect Ten is a comedy audiobook and irregular podcast hosted by Phill Jupitus and Phil Wilding. It is recorded and offered for free on their website and iTunes after each recording, and archive editions were available as audiobooks on and iTunes each containing 4 episodes and bonus material in the form of an introduction and a 'Perfect One.' The show reunites the duo from their days on BBC 6 Music and has covered a range of topics and established a range of running jokes. Stephen Fry provides narration in the form of the introduction and stings; music is played by Jupitus on a ukulele. The content features strong language and adult references.

The series was initially concluded in mid-June 2011, as the pair pursued other projects that didn’t allow for new episodes to be recorded, such as Jupitus’ role in the Monty Python musical Spamalot and Wilding’s new career as a novelist. This was an increasingly frequent issue for both of them. Shortly after the series ended, it was announced on Facebook that all 45 episodes would be made available again for free - including the four Perfect Ones from the Audible releases.

In March 2012 the duo returned with a new episode, followed by further episodes in May, September, and October. More episodes were planned, but did not appear. The pair did not record another until November 2014.

While the podcast is currently inactive, it maintains a dedicated fanbase, with its own Facebook page. Also, the existing episodes continue to be distributed via BitTorrent and file hosting which is on MediaFire (July 2016).

Format[edit | edit source]

'The Perfect Ten' involvs Phill Jupitus and Phil Wilding discussing ten topics, with a mix of questions submitted by both listeners and the pair themselves. The show opens with a summary of the format and listener emails sharing where they listen from before the show proper begins. As part of the rules of the show, the duo have to cover all 10 topics within 30 minutes and were not allowed to return to previous topics once they have rung the bell and moved on; nor could they go back and discuss anything mentioned outside of the half-hour, as it would rip the space-time continuum asunder. There are no rules for how long they can talk about each topic, but ALL ten have to be discussed within the 30 minute period. Each episode finishes with a comedic summary of what the pair have learned from each show.

Episodes[edit | edit source]

  • Key: if an episode number has a superscript number next to it, that is the audiobook volume containing that episode.
Episode Number Name
Meerkat Kinnear, Blitalian Cuisine and Palin vs Palin
Ringo Starr's PIN and Putin Punches a Tiger
Westwood, Cardigans and Mark Lamarr Keeps Bees
The Priest, The Vampire, The Milkman and his Sonic Screwdriver
A Beautifully Thrown Pot, A Cloud of Bees and Beating Biffin's Bridge
Hot, Wet, Wembley Stadium and our Two Dead Dads
Lanyard Sharpie, Detective Patois and a Rum Do
Bishop Bashing, Finger Boy and Bloody, Bloody Newport
Antlers, Woolworths, Velvet Mouth and Sticks of Celery
10³ Stephen Hawking, Baboon Sex and Roy Keanes Beard
11³ Cottaging, Stilletoes, Kleptomania - put them all in your Bucket List
12³ The Festive 12 - Pink Eye, A Can Of Warm Lager and Santa Got Back
13⁴ Duffy Dancing, Ditching Drink and Darwin
14⁴ Coke, Cold, Kate Winslett and Pop's cock!
15⁴ Detroit, Drawbridge, Disabled Toilet and the Dandelion & Burdock Diet
16⁴ Newark, Crumble, Cheese and One Man Fight Club
17 The Great Wank Embargo, and the Polish Hoskins
18 Al Fresco Scud, the Floopy-Doopy anthem and Doing Daisy
19 Falling Off That Wagon, Koala Tossing and Doing The Sexy Crab
20 Dickie, Duffy, Doing Shots and the Big Faced Ladies of Wales
21 Hoovering Olympians, Caught In The Act and Sticking It To Stomp
22 Curate's Eggs, Welsh Stereotypes and Capturing Africa's Heart
23 Lost In Jordan With Mark Rothko, Derek Jeter and Cheryl Cole]
24 Cricket Porn, Premature Dinging and Fat Rex
25 Brighton Rocks: A Real Live One - Part One
26 Brighton Rocks: All The World Is A Stage - Part Two
27 Kingfisher Killing, "Delightful Antics" and performing for the drummer from Queen
28 Bad Men, Bad Habits and Bad Arithmetic
29 Wham For Slugs In The Deep End
30 Storm Clouds Over Leith, Edinburgh Is Alive! Part One...
31 The Dark Heart of Lothian, Edinburgh She Lives! Part Two...
32 Tardy Taffy, Tired Tubby and The End of the World
33 The Isle of Wight Ferry, Ogopogos and Queen Victoria's Delight
34 The Festive Twelve - Theoretical Eggnog and the violent death of Tiny Tim
35 It's Been A While, Aged Archery and the Amish Wallop
36 Wanking Cats, Washing Dishes and Bad Dutch Accents in a Tell-All Style
37 One Man and His Dog and His Infected Cock and His Musical Nose
38 Licking The Biscuit Barrel Even If There's A Spider On It
39 Not Live at Leeds – Phill and Phil’s Perfect Ten, A Capital Idea with An Audience at the Screen On The Green
40 The Proclaimers Play for your Pleasure - P&P's Perfect Ten Live in London, Part II
41 Accidental Gay Porn and Looking Through The Sex Window at Wrighty...
42 Manchester, You Had It Coming (both times) - Phill and Phil’s Perfect 10 live from the Night & Day Café (part 1)
43 Manchester, You Had It Coming (both times) - Phill and Phil’s Perfect 10 live from the Night & Day Café (part 2)
44 The Festive 12 - Trouble at Home and Patricia Routledge on the Naughty List
45 (final) Racing For The Prize with The Beak of a Puffin and Recharging your Jupitus
46 (The Comeback!) Birthday Denial, Drug Shunning and Loss of Dragon Perspective
47 The George Mitchell Tribute Perfect 10. And nostrils or pan pipes. You decide.
48 Stephen King, Alan Bennett and Making Sweet Love to a Swan
49 Jeremy North's Slow Cooking Gargoyle Hour
50! Live at the Duke of Yorks - Thank You and Goodnight. Part I
51 Live at the Duke of Yorks - Thank You and Goodnight. Part II
52 Nigel Farage Gets Shot In The Face With His Own Shit By Niels Bohr

There is also a mini-series of Perfect Ones, used as tide-overs in hiatus periods. Some were originally featured as openers for the Audible releases.

Episode Number Name
What is the most starstruck you've ever been?
Could you have taken a life by now?
What career path might you have taken?
4⁴ If you could live at any time in history, when would it be?
5 Is there a hobby you wish you’d pursued?]
6 Blue Bear F*cks Up Red Bear: If you could have the powers or abilities of one comic book character, which would it be?
7 Have you ever done the Induction Course?

Drinking Game[edit | edit source]

The perfect ten drinking game is a game requiring listeners to drink at certain signals and events referred to during the podcast. The rules are as follows;

  • Any mention of an ex-partner of Phil W - drain your glass
  • Any mention of Phil W's colour blindness - take a sip
  • Phill J mentions his "shitty pop quiz" - take a sip
  • Any mention of a sexual act - drain your glass
  • Any mention of Biffins Bridge - take a sip
  • Anything vegetarian mentioned - drink half glass
  • Angela Lansbury - drain your glass
  • A full "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello - Wallop!" - drain your glass
  • Phill J does his comedy Welsh accent - half a glass
  • Phil W's legendary vodka story that's never elaborated on - two sips
  • Phill J hits the "goodnight" button accidentally - a shot

The game should be played only when the 30 minutes are going, however clearly rules are lax.

See also[edit | edit source]