Harmontown No. 1: Achieve Weightlessness
Episode 1 on the Harmontown YouTube channel
|Produced by||Feral Audio|
|Original release date||June 16, 2012|
Official Description[edit | edit source]
It’s a special night at Harmontown when Mayor Harmon decides the goal is to “achieve weightlessness” and establish Harmontown’s real purpose. One hour, thirty tangents, two emails from Harmon’s big brother and that goal remains unachieved, but a legendary theme park death does finally get its own theme song.
Show Notes[edit | edit source]
- Title origin: Dan Harmon repeatedly mentions "becoming weightless"
- Discuss this episode on the reddit
- Having Changed Tumblr
- Incidents at Disneyland
- Mark Twain ride death
Music[edit | edit source]
- Intro music: "Last Train to London" by Electric Light Orchestra
- During first e-mail reading: La Vie en rose, YouTube
- During second e-mail reading, part 1: "Daybreak" by Michael Haggins
- During second e-mail reading, part 2: Unknown
- Outro music: "Xanadu" by Olivia Newton-John
Hey, everybody listening. This is Brian Moses from comedy Central's roast battle. If you seen that show you're going to love this podcast known as verbal violence. It's a show we talk about the fight club known as Rose battle every week. We're gonna Spotlight new battler and go in depth and dissect who they are their battle style their lives their parents lives their sisters lives.
Maybe their unborn baby's life. We don't know what we're gonna find out every week a new episode happens if you like verbal. Once then check us out wherever you can find podcasts on iTunes Stitcher Google play your mamas pussy whatever find us. That's wrong.
was burned twenty-nine. How's everybody doing today God bless your welcome to Hermantown everybody. Thank you so much for coming out on a one night is tonight Saturday Friday with a pocket Saturday Saturday night in Hollywood, California. Please welcome to the stage the mayor of Hermantown Mr. Dan Harmon.
Thank you. You're applauding yourselves. You're applauding yourselves. It's a special. It's a special night at Hermantown cuz uh-oh. I just realized they were reacting to this hash they were reacting to that. Dynamic intro I just gave this is one of many reasons why it's a special night is because one of our fans.
Made sashes for us. 90 smart it wasn't a girl so retract your eyes. It was a dude prepare your Dan Brian and his edited say is he like pretending not to know your name. this- my middle sure Medellin. Brian please do not feel obligated to wear these. I just came across them and couldn't resist that's actually only funny if you realized that they say Harman town on them.
I I stepped on your joke. That's American Sean Sac May AKA snapped the jab the one of the Via one of the most offensively named fans really have picked delightfully racist sash maker Anna Marie von Furla Q. Please come up. Here as an expert satcher and sash Jeff with his comptroller sash Jeff Davis is the Comptroller of Hermantown seems like a good time to give him a round of
applause? I love it. I never felt more uncomfortable in my life Joey's everybody now you guys doing good. Sorry. I didn't mean to you could have you could have. I'm sorry. I instinctively did this was like don't let someone manipulate you. It's a curious thing about Harmon town as I just I just want to protect the flock and sometimes.
I'll hurt them by doing it. I went to see Jesus Christ Superstar in New York, and I was I was very taken with how whiny and passive aggressive Jesus was and I really like that musical very much for that reason. I yeah the actor that played Jesus or the role itself the role itself. I think it's written in a very whiny it's like Judas is the good.
All the juicy role, that's the manly like protagonist relative tragic hero that Jesus Christ Superstar with the parole of Jesus is like. He said he really is like constantly complaining about being Jesus and like it's a big bummer for him and no one understands, and he said he's just constantly standing up and going like if you guys had to deal with what I had to deal with forget it.
It's not you know what if I vanished right now. No one would even care, then the car is amazing. What
are. passive-aggressive savior. Uh, but again you would be I'm not I'm not taking a dig at either the mythical Jesus the archaeological Jesus or A rice and Schwarzkopf. What were their names Brian Truscott Freud wrote Jesus Christ Superstar Andrew Lloyd Webber and and Rice-A-Roni rice right. I want to know more about the archaeological Jesus.
They found Jesus. Well the cool thing about him. Is that he didn't even believe in God. He just packed a six shooter. And that was another religion for him, you know what a practical man. I am who Indian reference we went on the Disneyland Indie Indie ride. Let's neck that's not start with the tangents.
Just yet. Can we just can we please Center ourselves because that was the day we got our sashes that wasn't over one. It's a special night. Yeah, and I want to I want to be very characteristically self-diagnostic and neurotic and say when I say special. I don't mean good. I'm not saying tonight's going to be the best Harman town, but it's the most special because I've.
Cited because I'm not gonna bother look because I'm lazy that this is our year anniversary. It feels like it feels
good enough. Up week we had to do to Harmon towns this month because my firing is that it's just my body is partly loose change and some people are extra people are gathering it. It was just fine. I have no problem with that. There's a fracas what it will it show those people are already regretting their $10.
Ticket purchase there is nothing interesting for me to say I am Ace Rothstein in Acts late act two of Casino was smoking and night and another thing Mister Governor. I am a third act what's-his-name. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about let go the died of heroin Lenny Bruce. I'm third act Lenny Bruce.
oh, so. I think I think them within the last three shows you've started off the show by one time comparing yourself to Michelangelo right I'm pretty sure Einstein right and now tonight Lenny Bruce Thomas Edison. How is that of the middle one right? Sorry? I hate it when you get shipped wrong. I'm a perfectionist.
Sorry. That's what this shows about. Now I woke up this morning, and I realized I have nothing to do and I thought that tonight could be a special night that we would not know what we were doing as I stepped onto stage. We rarely do. I don't come up with desk bits. I don't have articles that are too crazy to be true.
I have a have a few thoughts and impulses, but tonight is about weightlessness. And I don't just mean because I've lost upwards of 14 pounds on the 4-Hour Body diet wow you found a way to make it about you and the middle of a story all heroes meet with a goddess they they find themselves at a Nexus give us an example gives them a couple film examples of Real Genius.
With Val Kilmer in the middle of the movie right in the middle of the story. Val Kilmer has a little ketchup dab on his lip and he's like listening to the guy that lived in the closet who's got the for the first half of Real Genius with Val Kilmer. They're working on a laser project to get there a from William, Atherton.
I believe boost States very clearly the First Act that he hates popcorn. Right he couldn't be clearer, but his hatred of popcorn that come back to bite him in the ass until actually you know what it does. The weirdest thing is it the movie ends with a giant popcorn they turn his house into a big Jiffy Pop.
Yeah. He did they do it took genius to do it, but they did that way, but that's not important. He's their teacher, and they're working on a laser project. They have to make this laser, and then the middle of the movie. They make the laser and then Val Kilmer's. In french fries and he's got a little dollop a catch up on his lip and the the crazy guy from the basement you remember.
Yeah, maybe I think it was Nate lived in the pipes in the basement of the campus Laszlo has lo que and and he says to them. Yeah, you made your laser. What do you think it's for? What's the what do you think the government's going to use that laser for and there's a shot of Val Kilmer go? And he's got like a little catch up on his lip from eating french fries and the 80s needle Drop Like swells.
You know some some some Blazer clad band-like kind of hits their Crescendo as we truck on his face, and and and then the second half of Real Genius proceeds because at the at the Nexus that is the goddess the hero has achieved everything that he could possibly achieve, and now he has to figure out what he's going to do with it.
I just going to stand here with ketchup. I might lip. We've been doing a year of Harmon Town shows. We've achieved the freedom to do what we want to go to the Moon. We've got ketchup all over a lips. We haven't done anything so I want to take tonight to really recalibrate figure out what we're doing we started off with this kind of you know premise that would that this is going to be about perfecting society that we were going to find a way to where we're going to colonize the moon and take the people that come to harm in town.
We're going to figure out society's problems and like go and you know like make our own civilization out there, but we we had a couple guests to start off with we just kind of dropped that now we. Talk about your demo roids, and you're very pop your bubble baths and things like that so if there been any tweets or anything that I think I think grab a drink could you read my brother's email?
Well, yeah absolutely. Oh, fuck it. I who isn't I think we get lots of repeat customers who who who has not been here before by Applause my apply. Hi guys, so some of the many of you are familiar with Dan's Brother bones Harmon, right? Yeah, his name is Doug, but he goes by various nickname Stratos life phones at one point.
He was he was dark Vader because he like darts and he and he made his family call him Darth Vader. What was some other ones my favorite part, and his development you what he was like 15, and I was 10 a couple at five. He started hanging out of pool. Hall down the block from my mom's place, and he got really 15 years old.
He get really into Billiards. Well. They had also like a space-age machine and a mango. And he decided that he was really into billiard, so he went and got his own uh billiard cue. And that you kind of swivel together so that he could play people in pool and have his own pool. Cue yeah, and he also got a iron-on letter sweat shirt that said pool shark.
What that was his identity?
Yeah, the dragon was like our favorite little local shithole watering hole and the David dartboard there and this dark Champions like they actually have a league there. It's one of them I. Electronic machine is not like a regular horse hair like quality board, but it's one of those electronic machines and people come into ticket very serious, and I played a guy there.
I'm not great at darts. I I'm OK at darts, but if I see somebody there's a guy that came in and had a tank top on and it was not hot. It was it was winter time in Los Angeles chilly out like it was called in the bars are generally kind of you know the air conditioning is on the tank top was more there.
Just to let you know that if both of his shoulders. He had tattoos of darts. And he was a piece of shit at the dart board and I beat him with absolute happiness and arrogance. I say I don't fucking put darts in your arm, and if you do be the world's greatest Dart player, and if you lose, and you have tattoos of darts be cooler about it.
We play it for a. Can I beat him twice and he fucked off into the night never like about me? My guest reader come up. Who in the first few rows like just show your hands if you feel that maybe you were in high school forensics. You feel like you have an okay handle and kind of cold reading or maybe you weren't maybe this is the time to you know to try your hand at public speaking.
You know if you Jesus. I'm pouring sweat. I'm like a fucking like Harlem Jazz. You know what? The sashes don't breathe man. Snap the jab your your sashes as constrictive as the untoward racial tension of your name. What is real names, but Sean sacame John show yourself? Is even here is Sean right yeah various keep?
Panna. nicely done. next time make sense for everybody. Do we need music tribe you looking up a song to play for the background of play something soft like something mellowing like like okay. Let me find something. Some kind of like is there a male performer here who is capable of cold reads. Yeah, okay, what's your name sir Adam right hold up my second.
I got to find this on you guys get to know each other. I'm going to find a song. Oh god. Oh, really wow did puberty is Big you quickly young waiting for people yet? Oh okay? He was one of Chang's bodyguards in the place. I used to work.
should he. I think I got the song. I don't know what Eva. What email this is, but I'd be very ambient. This is okay. This is just an email from my brother, and I don't know if this will wash, but right. I'll probably my best because the subject is you sucking you you did okay June. They're all about quit for the music rebel music.
Reading you sucking June 3rd 2012 4:20 a.m.. Mom and dad to meet their granddaughter, so we've had a couple visit. Thought I'd let you know once an hour mom mentions. How smart you are. I'm not exactly sure the equation, but anyhow my daughter smart because you're read books when you were her age does no one else remember that i r at high school.
Level books when I was in grade school. Anyway. She said someone put you in the closet with books. I hope it wasn't too scary and I'm proud you made it out of the closet. Uh thank you for my daughter's brain, and thanks for emailing once in awhile. You drooling dick puddle of chimp semen. Vs. You know you think you if you think about it.
I'm smarter than you are because I smoked pot and dropped out of high school. You didn't smoke pot and put drop out until College. Why can't it brother get any credit around here PPS mom is worried about your liver. I think she feel better if you smoke more dope and drank last vodka just a heads up.
Sent from my iPhone.
Did Adam Adam
Adam? That was a good musical selection. What is that lovey on Rose? Right, so, let's just focus let's and and and become weightless and take a step back. I did do my brother proud today, and I did get whaling hi. I really did I clean because I cleaned out my whole house and I. I found my old bond from when I was 25, and I went and I bought some screens and just placed a bomb for 13 years.
I was really high.
Remember the dust where it is Jeff found a note on my on a whiteboard in my apartment once. I was living at this one bedroom apartment and Holly at Los Feliz. We were we were both getting high. That's okay to say right. It's we both have prescriptions. Not me. Okay. Well as a prison way production opened up the Dreyfus very nauseous and sleep-deprived all the time, so we really you found this white board thing and it said.
Deer not hide an don't get high so much. It makes you feel like you're going to have a heart attack signed hi Dan. And it's not like a refrigerator board. I don't want wandering around as a private in there was my guy read that like this forward-thinking time like in a got to veto was playing. I was high.
I was like walking around like oh and Jeff said what's what's with this as a note. I was like huh and Jeff sex, so what's the deal? Going to listen to that guy who's High? It's a real story. It really happened other wonderful things happened in that apartment like what time that was living with his girl Don wonderful young lady.
A true patriot.
that she was in the bathroom like like brushing her hair. Uh or or or studying for her LSAT ladies. I don't want to create like a stereotype of my story, so there was a little bit of book there, too. I just started weird to say don't have to turn the bathroom. The truth is she was primping in the in the bathroom, and and I was a tiny little apartment and I.
I saw her in the bathroom, and I said I'm not making this story short at all. I said I'm gonna go eat something as she said okay, and can't brush your hair, and I walked into the kitchenette and I started doing as I do it started singing a little song to myself, and it was a falsetto kind of song.
It was because there's grabbing a little plate sort of a big place, so I started singing.
Food Futures near hey, I that's all I was doing it was like I was a choir boy was just sort of like. I like the kind of strange Gregorian. It was 5 finally finished fourth we all do this. We all will sing a little ditties, and they kind of get focused on what I was kind of into it and the whole time.
I had a mental map of where I was and where my girlfriend was she was in the bathroom doing something. And I was just singing the song in my back was to the doorway of the kitchenette and as I turned around I saw her she had heard me singing his falsetto voice she decided to not she didn't want to disturb anything, but she wanted to listen to the song.
He was like Jane Goodall, so she was crouched crouched behind the stove day 7, and and you Behavior has a shearing come show amused that her face was bright red and shit like at her because she was trying out to laugh as she was just. Sneak to the stupid song and so I turned around she had been doing that the whole time when I saw her I'm holding a plate and I.
our feminine than that more like like weird like more Damon Wayans like senior like in an 80s movie right sorry the platelet flag, but it's very difficult to describe this because it's like it's like a photon becomes a feat on and a glue on the bonds. With a neon and it all happens at the center of the universe of the same time because I went and she had been coached down, and then she was suppressing her laughter so when I did that she went
and so I all from my perspective. I turned around saw something that scared me and it turned out to be my girlfriend who was crouched like a hobgoblin bright red and making like this weird hobgoblin face, so I rick as I recovered from Maya. In shock I went what are you doing and and and did she answered in the moment and when I'm being it?
Because I had made her laugh so hard she was peeing then I this is the part that I swear. I have to swear is true, and I could I have witnesses to the evidence that made me laugh, so hard I shit my pants. People hear that story. They go why aren't you married because that's enough. A whole just just keep on it doesn't matter they have epilogue is Dino comes over right?
Well. That's the reason I remember it oddly because Dino can't get a story said. I don't know. It's just like I just it all how often do you shake your pants more often than I yeah, actually it happens more often probably. This is so you have forgettable pants pooping stir. Yeah, I do I mean I could tell you the ones I remember, but I also feel.
It's probably a bunch where I'm lying ass fuck. I shit my pants. It doesn't happen to you like her. I it'll happen of the weirdest time psychologist it always fits always the story is always after well before your you know before eight it. Just happens because it happens, and we really have to give children a Mike a note of this fifty.
Give children a break on this. They're not choosing to shit their pants. They have little muscles. I need to poop my pants a lot, but after eight from eight to thirty nine have been trouble was always just you think it's a fart. That's it so every story. I just think it's a fight feels same as a fart, and I just got like those are going to be great, man.
You gambled a lot yeah, I never seems like a gamble. There's no double zero on the roulette wheel you know I don't know it was that there's no purpose as I why would I shit my pants? I'm not sick. I didn't I didn't eat fucking like truck full of wheat, but whatever makes you shit. I don't know. I don't know the opposite of cheese.
I kept thinking the at. What's the opposite of cheese? Oh my God? I just shit my pants. Why I just I just ate a truck pull the week. I working a far when I just take it in and I'm on them the gun with a guy in the harvesting so high that we Jeepers Creepers was chasing me from and I ran through a field, and I just I guess there's just like I sort of a residual wheat accumulation next thing you know I'm a chronic diuretic.
Wheat stay away from it reassurance Dino comes up Tina Latino came to the apartment, and he saw two soaked pair of pajamas that we had kind of like hand washed and hung over the was a woman's paid pajamas a no-man's which I was it's like hot. What happened there as I oh yeah the weirdest the opening of a Paul Thomas Anderson movie happened.
Just what happened the something that requires diagrams happen pretty crazy also. The time I was a different team apartment different girlfriend Robin was there and she did we were sitting watching TV and a little front room, and if you if you want to see this apartment go watch Channel 101 anything like laser fried computer man it all takes place with the orange sofa in the White Walls.
That's that's the place and we're sitting there and. Robin gets Heaven says addenda here boo boo bear. I'm going to go into the kitchen is it. ethic. That's like, so I'm sitting there watching this go on and and she runs out to make him some kind of cheese not makeup. She doesn't make cottage cheese.
They didn't live in a cottage, but she can't she goes it and she comes back with a little plate little you know like you know dollop big table of. Cottage cheese, and he's beautifully fanned out canned peaches. You know gorgeously arranged all the array. Around the top of the thing and she brings the room and dangles.
I kind of rolls his eyes and grits estate. You got what? And I was like this. I'm just sitting there digging it. I became good all for this one and and and dangles let's I know you're a good girlfriend for making me the kind of cheese and going the extra mile. Putting the Peaches on top. I know that makes you a good girlfriend.
You're trying to make it extra special and beautiful for me. That's I love that about you, but we've had this conversation like four times. I don't like the Peaches on the cottage cheese because the juice. The page just goes in to the cottage cheese and makes it running and water in its gross and like and I know that you're a good person for doing that, but I just don't understand how many more times.
We're going to have to have the cottage cheese and peaches conversations you what I just say that. I hate when you make that poo poo face, and then goes that's a stupid thing to hate Abraham Lincoln hated slavery. What are you going to talk about in heaven? And I saying a little ditty that went don't date Dan Harmon.
Fucking awesome one swoop you took it right the fight. She went wandered off. That's the best hi everybody is Jeff Davis. Sorry to interrupt Dan doing his public nervous breakdown. I want to talk to you about snacks the thing that separates human beings from the rest of the animal kingdom is our ability to.
Act but what do we do was that power and that freedom with snack on garbage? What if you wanted to snack on something that's better healthier, and you know and doesn't make you feel like a giant piece of human shit afterwards. That's where Nature Box comes in go to Nature Box Hermantown to get snacks lots of snacks, but healthy snacks snacks that make you feel good snacks the taste good snacks that you just want to just put inside parts of your body that aren't your mouth.
They got all kinds of stuff. They got like you know there's this baked things as chips and pretzels is dried fruits and nuts. Choose and granola thingies and jerky and nuts and all kinds of shit creme brulee peanuts are my personal favorite. I'm looking at this list right now crispy coconut squares.
I'll get all over that ship sea salt chickpeas. They got it all if you go right now to Nature box.com Harmon Town you'll get 50% off your first order simply because you're self-loathing Harmon Town fans. I mean really let's let's backtrack a bit snacking is the second order of business why do you even listen to the show you do?
Big fan he's he's watching two Maestra Sherlock you think this is. Of course we're Sherlock Holmes is so smart he can beat the shit out of people. It's insane. Do you do realize that lately? I don't have a cyclic super super duper Dan Harmon Rob Schwab fans than you're familiar with a thing we did in 1999 called heat vision and Jack which was Jack Black.
Ah that the it was a Jack Black was asked. He's the smartest guy in the world blah blah. We tried to write a movie version of it a long time ago, and that was it would like saw Sherlock Holmes. It was like this is the bit that I was doing like the bit was that he's likely he can you know we gets really smart?
He's so smart. He knows how to beat the shit out of you, which is not that's not because that's not really smart. That's the joke, but their joke is a blockbuster film. They made a sequel can't when I want to see it because I wanted good. I haven't seen how they're not they're not good, but but like like like my place.
He likes those movies a good three guys. I tight with mediate with television and movies. It's like a girl. Sorry. You know you throw enough money at these things. It's like these people are so handsome and charming and you love Robert Downey, Jr. You love Jude Law as I was named. Yeah, I bet that's I mean that this is not funny, but like that strikes me as a movie that they just wrote a movie, and they added the title to it because you have to add a recognizable franchise to something to make it.
I don't think salable. I don't think that's true because this this movie would have had to have been called. Uh action in The Queen Victoria's alleys you know I wouldn't have it what it would there wasn't something that I believe that with other movies where you go like this isn't Tremors 3. This is just a regular movie about aliens invading, Las Vegas.
It was called Lucky Seven from planet Saturn, and you added Tremors aliens that you anyways speaking of Prometheus did we talk about? And again, I haven't seen it and won't I don't want to see that. I am going to write a movie. It's a prequel to The die-hard mythology. And thank you. Thank you.
He's joking but your place will make it actually happen. It's called nakatomi. And it's not you know. To expecting to see anyone say you became motherfucker. There's no walkie. I get in it. It's Jade sheesh. This is
how Dan pitches things to do. Hey, Dan great. I'm glad you could come I just hear about your new project. Yeah, it's an hour and a half of you watching guys discover a puddle of black goo that turns into a skyscraper a cop and a terrorist right at the end. Who my wife's Leaving Me Maybe starting to I think I'll enjoys people shooting glass later.
That was my Alan Rickman. Was bad that sounded a lot like a toothless retarded Sean Connery something happened now. Can we hear your Sean Connery motion things down here. Don't react to an old Kyle Busch. Not bad, that's not bad alright. Thank you. How many Sean Connery's have you heard? Can give me someone else I heard Christopher Walken.
I got a pretty little for a fever. Can I come back come back come back come after John not down nuts. Not merging into Bill Clinton right well. Around otherwise it's not clear what the inflation is little Georgia Popeye right at the end now finish off with Rosie Perez. I know you do a good Rosie Perez right so go from Huda Rosie Perez Popeye interesting hey.
Kim chi give me skips me gives me some. Niche Carroll stab you and I motherfucker because I'm Spanish why are you writer you have my why waste this have a show yeah, that's the best. I don't want this to be a don't want Harmon town to be a sad place. I thank you should be a free place where. Is currently Hartman tariffs, and also she was the only girl that clapped for the Sherlock Holmes notice.
Uh I am a I'm a major addict of the Tumblr blog about me called having changed. There's a block. There's a Blog about me. And it's about you, too, and our relationship everything we do together every every ice cream we get every every kite we fly every Instagram is chronicled on this everybody make Every Breath You Take and I and I really really hope to God that the person that maintains that black isn't here and that doesn't get back to them because then they'll they won't stop right away, but it'll be the death of it, but I can't think of a cooler think every single person in the world.
It have a Tumblr blog about everything if you just take a picture of yourself brushing your teeth and then 30 seconds later. It's like there's a Tumblr entry he's brushing his teeth. It's just like someone's how it like. This is like a heart with 35 after it like I don't know what I'm going to do when this stops.
I may because you're you're overly obsessive about reading the comments sections in reviews of your show or things you do which I think it's just. Insanity going to go read the comments section of anything it's always a bunch of just dicks like that the people that write comments are generally not good fans.
Good. Good reviewers of people that have some weird axe to grind and then it devolves into some sort of weird racists conversation, but there's always wonderful people my girlfriend air Magothy. Who's hit podcasts top 20 comedy cop podcast cod cod cod piece though speaking of Chevy Chase. I have a voicemail.
Wrist I just did show that pod cab back area codpiece. I'll get my pen paper. You're going to become him you know uh oh boy. Yeah, I really good want to write a book about just called conversations in a trailer with Chevy Chase where I tried to convince myself. I wasn't but that's how ya anyways my girlfriend got a Facebook message, I think.
From a couple girls who tracked her down. She's to be a camp counselor for kids and stuff and they just heard her podcast and they were they just wanted to write her a letter and say we're juniors in college now, and you're very inspiring and Charming. It's great that you're doing this thing and all that stuff in a very touching letters.
She like that's what it's. All about much like my hanky-panky. No totally unlike the Hanky Panky Peggy's just about putting left and right things and stuff. What entertainment people about it is.
I didn't have a cute up boy. That's another topic we can talk about my brain is disintegrating like I'm not I'm not you're losing it. Yeah, I'm. An on it anymore, but I think that if I played a video games everything's going to come back. I'm going to have been taking some very promising meetings Jeff.
It's very it was very exciting. I heard your pitch voice. It sounds good.
Yeah. Jeweler movie, but you know it's not going. Soon shipping around imagine carbon skyscraper. We have the standard technology. This motion capture gonna be a real reptilian monster and in keeping with the scientific laws of the current census who wants to see your Godzilla movie. You are you retarded you fixed Godzilla.
You're a genius. I man God damn. It. Will you talking about before hanky-panky? Can't believe I forgot the Hokey Pokey podcasts. Yeah, but yeah some chicks. She knew contacted her made it feel good, whatever. That's what it's all about absence for the story didn't lose steam. It. Just just didn't matter to you.
You just about you just lost interest I wanted to ramp into a forest a sort of emotional expression of how much I value the fans, and I want to make them go. Are because I'm not we were a funny tonight. I thought I would we were surprised and discovered that there was a there's a Tumblr blogs that are just dedicated to the.
To the Daily the quotidian shit that then does rather i o Danson's having some having a sandwich like Dean's going to have to make a gift as I O people like that a little hearts going above it and feel like they like the dentate that sounded debt. We're all having a conversation as me you Erin the think were you there Edina and.
And we're sitting there and Dan just completely went like to Neverland like our two oz and it was just looking to sing. It was big smile came across. She goes. Sorry guys like this is going to be the next 72 hours of my life like he did you go through the think you're going back through time for every picture that you've ever posted or anyone's ever posted of you, and it's just big Love Fest as none of the negativity that goes along with being you know the bottom of the YouTube.
They're never liked day 8. I found out his butt stinks. Oh he's. His hair everywhere hair all over. You don't post those photos though now start doing that ship and find out right. We going to cameraman here, maybe we'll we'll take some after pics for my new diet. We got what we should have done meeting with the goddess.
We should have been taking pictures of you if we'd known all along and have like this. You know like this like timeline of you know. How we both look yeah as the circles under my eyes get bigger who could have predicted my dramatic weight loss. Maybe it's it's amazing um you were you're notably bigger than you are right now.
Yeah. Uh that's ok damn Angelique a martian came down like what are these people who are they coming to see what's so important about Harmon town on its just like this is just quiet and those like that was I was I found in January baby. You were wearing checkered pants. Well. Yeah, but I ass winter straight to my thighs, and everyone's just like.
seem to be directionless and weightless they seem to have met with their goddess now. What end of them the cancer. What's the next step and assuming that you guys know what he's talking about. It's the Joseph Campbell's hero's journey. So what is this the step after meeting with a gun we can't how can we know Jeff?
We have to figure it out ourselves. That's the whole no. I'm saying, but I miss a logically it's what the government you talk about the filing. Yes. I would say the yeah. I now we have to Grapple with we have to do. I tonight what we're going to do from now on and then we have to pay the heavy price for that.
I am assuming in attendance numbers.
Yeah, but I would say that Lina knowing Dan for a long time dance very intellectual guy very emotional internally, and it's very rewarding to be a friend of Dan's and also I think that if your fans of the things he's made. To take five down talking about you if you've if your fans are things that Dan's made you sense that Dan is in them when you watch the characters on community there all damn like until they're all versions of themselves, and I thing and like Dan gives a lot to people and I think that coming here and sitting here like ideally people wouldn't watch you get up there wearing your stupid Sash and drinking your vodka and talking about it, but that it somehow it manages to be Redemptive because there's something very charming and then human about somebody getting.
Of there and and revealing all those things about themselves, right? I think
that all that goes without saying. Well, what kind of now for the podcast right Madame? Yes, there's another email from my brother that came a week earlier than that one. You just give this one a quick read do any music for this the subject line is again you sucking. Uh, yeah, whatever music was I've got Daybreak pulled up, so just go Daybreak.
You sucking 438. Am's is this the same day, or is this on security, okay? So it's not a separate separate arpa OK kiss the last team was sent at 4:20 a.m.. And this one cent on for 20, so I think he has like a seam going you want something different more emotional. Okay, let me I got you. Give me one second that was lobbying rather.
Let's try something else. Probably behind you wouldn't have any fucking Enya. This is why we good. I like this. Hey fucker. I
think you'd be a millionaire if you wrote for a video game franchise with a likable but Gruff protagonist dutt Gruff. Sorry investigate and when you're a millionaire because you follow my advice email me back. You fuzzy back shit knocker. Hey. I see you're dabbling with digital video again. Are you going to make some more home videos about far?
Okay, okay. Let's have a serious Brother moment. Yeah, so I was just rubbing my balls, and I was thinking these balls are so big uh smooth, and then I just start to think about your balls while I was rubbing my balls. I imagine your balls are tiny and wrinkly like a lemon that didn't get enough Sun.
Good times good times. I'll email you again in a few months. You know just to prove. I'm funnier than. You know because of what with the ball jokes. He stopped its just like you're here on the toilet with me.
Fun did you ever notice you have a small head. I mean look at how rockers heads sent from my iPhone.
her hands right Adam bones bones reader.
Adam has an app coming out on the iPhoto the you can subscribe to all bones emails read in his voice. Yeah. He really gets the better of me in as missives doesn't he really really really gives me the old gen Apatow talking to Mark Brazil. The old touche the old I always feel like I'm I'm at the card table next to the Algonquin round one.
Like I'm not allowed to. Hang out with Groucho yeah, I like that he has is it's a it's a dialogue to himself. He's he's getting you justly I'm not gonna wait for the response hey hey dipshit. He's still a faggot. I know you are just kidding Let's Get Serious my balls are serious. They look like your head.
Yeah, it's fucking dick. Hey look. We're having a lot of fun here, but let's cool it down come hurt itself ball jokes.
He's retarded. Haha. Yes. What kids he's a father yeah. He's five years older. He's got a nice that I've never met you have a nice. I have I have a nice. Yeah, she does the Hokey Pokey nurr he did to Maggie Peggy. I got a yeah. I yeah, I home I think there's. Circuits may be loose wobbly. Maybe kind of burnt out in my head.
I try I'm always trying to figure out if it's genetic or if its nature or nurture, but I know that I my parents and my distant family. They all seem kind of reptilian to me, and I but I think it must be me. I think they seem like very volatile emotional people, and they will write me things in their they're very excited and emotional, and I remember being in my house growing up my mom and my brother were very.
Emotional with each other some would say Freudian. Lee emotional with each other I felt like there was a bit your mom and your connection no mom and brother had some sort of weird silent seduction thing going on I think they always felt like they were kind of like fucking I don't think they were fucking but I felt like they were always thinking like what if we could maybe I always felt like they were still I wasn't they felt like they were in Against All Odds or so they were the salmon Diane yeah that they really did that they were what they were one family scuba trip and a shark attack from.
Uh fulfilling their dreams that maybe in some post apocalyptic scenario there would be necessary for them to have to procreate the species at I they were they seemed game for it. They were always hitting and caressing them for instance like I don't know like what oh the sub God thing. Thank you, Erin.
Yeah, I was telling my did this thing. In the bedroom, Erin was laying in bed, and I put a sock over my dick and balls who hasn't done that the Chili Peppers have done that you haven't done it you have a vagina ma'am that they take you you're holding a stock in the morning and your naked eye.
Pretty sure every guy in here. You don't have to admit it, but you see if it'll fit over your. Whole thing and it's hanging down. I because I've seen them haven't done. You haven't done right well. We leave vastly different lines. That was a but. I thought that would be the Once Upon a Time. I got yeah.
We've all done that my brother used to do it in front of my mom like. He would like run into the we'd be watching like happy days and my brother would run like like and he was like I feel like he was like 13 or like 15 or something or 28. I got yeah, I remember. He was a big kid. As a 15 year old playing of the US Open right now, and he would run he would run through the living room like this and my mom would go.
I don't know
man. I don't know I don't know man. I my parents had I was born my mom was 40 what they're both 41. And so there's a little bit older they each been married once before they had my brother, and I so that each had two kids, so they kind of made all their parenting mistakes, so I think I got we got the good version of parenting as they'd already.
Like fact that was before I told when they had asked they were adults and the hair was getting a little Grand. They were just groovy and mellow, but it was also the early set of late 70s and early 80s, and they had these really Swanky parties like fondue parties and shit like I and all the guys look like the Marlboro Man dealt mustaches and shit, and they were cool, and they give them could ride a horse in my guy, and it wasn't the women all smoked like they were like my mom's friend Lorain.
She'd be like in a full cocktail dress like running dog someone from Auntie Mame. Should be like in the kitchen like smoking like a Virginia slim and stirring the hollandaise written for the for the fondue like he's like an ash going and things like it was awesome, and so they were kind of I looked up.
I thought that these are the surreal cocktail party going on it. We were little kids and my brother used to we will be sequestered that we've make an appearance. He's the kids they're going to bed now we can go be adults and get drunk and talk about adult things. We going to bed my brother would.
Take off my pajamas, which stripped me down. He's three years older man Bill Davis would strip me down and take my pajamas and run down the hallway into the big opening. It was big like kind of. Giant living room is like a dance floor, and I think would get the adults were gathered and he would throw my pajamas into the middle of the of the 4A, and I would run make it out there grabbing and we get a big last because I got kids running.
I like my older brother fucking was a kid, and I was you know three or four of it, and I'd run back and I've read back enemy kept doing it, and then the laughter at Peter off after a while. But I had my older sisters my mom's Rosemary. I have nieces that are one of them is two years younger than I so we would bathe together.
We were little so I got this you know this male female anatomy lesson when I was a little kid bathing with Stephanie, and I would see the differences between the male and female anatomy and at one of the parties. I just emerged like all the all the adulthood drunk and smoking and and I walked out in the middle of party as I put my hand up and just stopped like oh shit, and I had just I was.
Going to lay something. I learned on them as they lay it down for as I everybody. Boys have wee wees girls have crack wheeze. And then I took to abject silence, and I walked back down the long hallway, and I got to my room, and then I remembered just Applause and
I was certain that I had done a service. Yeah, I was at my parents. Would you wonder why people are fighting at my why is mom and dad always fighting, and why is my sister fighting with this guy? Why is the living room always dirty the wires are. Back wheeze haha I thought. I thought you met like cuz I like that with my parents like their Furniture was magazine Stacks like they would just do you just the stacks of shit.
They wouldn't throw away. Did you just put shit down on top of it like that hoarders show like you see that and then somebody would come over it leaves the word company would happen like I we're having company tonight and that it could happen randomly, but that meant. Cut clean the bathtub clean the toilet get this shit off of the living room floor.
What is this like my parents would look at their own shit and go what is this? What's going on we have company tonight. They'd all of a sudden four for 24 hours. They've become a healthy normal people and like white glove themselves yard is garbage. I what is it was who there's no Skippy peanut butter just as peanut butter and await label.
They're gonna think we're abusive to our children with its turn that around and make a fake computer pan logo. Everything is just I put the put Willie. Surround by a new record player. I don't care. What the fuck we have to do. This is like this is the big deal, and then everyone would come over they all have mustaches in the because it was the 70s.
They look like a what's it Barney Miller was trying to help with a cast of Barney Miller re Caribbean Cincinnati like I was like having a 70's party with like cocktail glasses, and that's where I would shine I would like come out my footies and like I'd go. But Arrow what's going happen at go. How are you tell me?
Gotta Dance it didn't take anything and they'd be like whoa what's this guys name. I've gotten you tell me. I'm not telling and you just like fun and dance around La, but they remarkable thing is that my parents would like who they were they were powerless like I had the Nielsen's so they were like I can't there's nothing.
Can do so they're like Daniel go to bed and then but then Uncle Uncle Marty and Francis from marketing or whatever would go like no get it. What's your opinion about spaghetti spaghetti you tell me whose kids the best days out my dad. It'd be like guys the best. I then eventually I get tired and go to bed right I fucking killed man.
My I couldn't wait to turn. 18 because there was as I was I understood it like that's what you get to leave and the whole world was waiting out there. That's where all those people came from I was just trapped of this dirty house with stacks of magazines used his card tables and like that then everyone's around they've got everyone fake it and they go everyone.
People from The Real World, and they loved me. Thanks and Leland. Get her look that make them happy my my sister Pam who is fuck. She's like. Out twenty years old in that because he was my mom's first marriage, and she got married to Marty this really nice lovable guy who looked like Mario from the you know from the Super Mario.
You know games because really Pleasant, and he's a guy turned out later on that. He was a chronic liar, and they got the right he turned out to not be so hot, but at the beginning stages. We all loved Marty, but the first time I met him. I think I was four. And I had to put a suit on and I hated putting a suit on back.
Then I members like memories of me like I'm foreign contaminant put the tie on like this so stupid and but it also did it was the seventy so it was like a red white and blue plaid suit. It was fucked up. It was bad, and so I got all dressed up. I'm a little penny loafers on and I was playing like Battlestar Galactica cylons in my room, and I think I'd like to Jeffrey.
I your sister's boyfriend is out front. They were engaged to get married and I was so angry at this this this Phantom guy coming into our house. I didn't know he was I just hated him already and again. You know like cracka ways, and you know we always and things like that their men and women were different than I just he was it was an enemy so he comes in.
And and I think I'll Jeffrey get out here died Marty is here, and this nice guy big guy but kind of hulking guy, and he squats down like on his haunches like that gift download puts his arms out, and I run down the hallway that used to run down naked to get my pajamas inside, and I run down right at him.
And he's got his arms out, and I had nothing in my mind. I had no plan of attack. I just kicked him Square in the balls. And probably seen some movie or something where they don't know I just felt like he was like when you expected it to make a boy noise. No like went on solid sitting having dinner with Lando Calrissian and draws better.
I sent he just starts shooting. He doesn't say anything. He's a doesn't that when he's my putting that anybody blocks it, but I you when you see an enemy you just attack. And I just say I ran out when they hit him and. If you don't have balls a four year olds penny loafers can do the job absolutely and I all remember was I hit him everyone.
15 people in attendance and Noah saw that coming. least of whom Marty and the whole bit wow. And Marty tipped over it like a fucking just just like you'd like this like a Django went right over and I hung a hard right and ran out the front door and climbed it. Great. And does it mean awesome transfer like fuck this guy?
What kind of creepy kid fucking you get Trucking angry when a cat runs in awhile. It just started licking itself like yeah, you caught me in the middle of my run into a wall, then lick myself regimen. Sorry. I thought so I found out I got out. I'm not friend. I'm climbing a tree, and I hear like a combination of laughter horror moaning Marty's and Marty's and having a medical emergency.
Everybody's laughing some people. Like just like like like it was like it was chaos inside the house. I could hear it, so I'm climbing a tree, and I'm not going to try I remember the so vividly I was got to be four years old beautiful day Southern California and winds blowing saying I say this is the stuff you know.
I just took took down that mother fucker. I'm in my tree. I think that the Instinct was to like go be king of the castle I get high like I go ahead like you know these separate yourself go back to Heaven. You know what God's live or Titans dwell and then I fell out the tree. Can I swear penny loafers and you don't you don't gain a lot of purchase with a fucking footing on a tree with the penny loafer on it fell straight backwards, and if I had not got my foot caught in the going like I'm going to Crunch of a limb my foot got fruit and caught me.
I would have broken my neck and probably died all the kids are pretty simple, but I fell to my death and got caught and I'm hanging upside down by one foot and at four years old. I don't have the core strength. You'll get that later at 25 you like what I learned to stop kicking people the phones, so I'm trying to go to ya tonight.
If I can hit up somebody now. I'm out of steam dinner is about to happen. I decided to kick a dude in the balls climb a tree and now I'm alone and when I when I cant do is appeal for help. Yeah, so I was out there with the blood rushing in my head for what I think was an hour and finally people got worried about Mina came out, and then it was more laughter and I.
Guess who came and got me? Uncle uncle friendly Mario yeah, that was the worst. We had a we had tweet that came in the 21 minutes ago to at Hermantown said finish your Indiana Jones tangent o the other if your picture you're going to make an Indiana Jones movie. Where we were that was evidence. Oh, the other are the right we went on the right we went to Disney.
We were on the road who was it was fun. Happy Slater Slater said a reference to my show. Uh I don't like the right that much I've been on remember when it came out. I was right. It was very excited about it, but I gets not the best Disneyland has a weird hypnotic thing going where you're So, Satisfied with so little I cut.
Its act like they also though. They do so many things so right. I can't figure it out we went to Magic Mountain together right and that's all just about Thrills chills and Spills, and I haven't been paid to tell you that but that's just walking around a park like you're going from one roller coaster to another the most terrifying one of all the X2 or whatever because they won't fucking get tell you what it is everything is like.
Oh was the Cocoa Puffs ride your crazy for Cocoa Puffs, then you have to help me. I'm more cocoa on this ride. Uh it's the better take a look at this is stupid, but then you find Cocoa, but the x-two thing they just the whole ride that keep going. Are you ready for this? Do you know what you're doing?
Why are you sure if you said goodbye to your loved ones? They changed it cuz when it was just X you guys been to Magic Mountain bet on extracts to fucking good if you like if you like scary rides, but the original I'm certain of this. I went on it like three times that the original X you like like keep her hands and arms and sanitary at all time like that little feel you get.
The ex was like everybody you're about to be on x.x. Is a thrilling experience and make sure that you like you leave your keys with somebody you trust because you're about to go on accents really crazy, and it's not like drink some orange juice your Jame wiggle a little bit, but they were really expected unsolicited back rubs and expressions of intent to call one another more often Millennials will call.
E I was told by some guy that came in for some Pitch meetings. He's telling me about the four stages that Generations go through like baby boomers are the. Blah blah blah generation and the Generation X is this they they always react to the previous generation and then the action it sounded like it was such bullshit.
I can't articulate. I wanted to like throw a rock at the guy's head because I was like what do you saying you're just saying what your brain wants to be the case there's nothing there's nothing entertaining about this tangent. I just it was so interesting to me because of course we all think in rhythms of four, but we're all projecting like oh yeah remember that World War Two generation like they sat around saying that.
Lesbian big generation and go fight World War 2 uh you know we spent the entire days people do it Disneyland talking about all the many people who have died at Disneyland right, which alarms are because I faster figure that means like a forty people diet Magic Mountain every week and no one talks about it, but like there's like 15 things if you go Google Google Disneyland deaths.
It's very interesting though most horrific one is is the Mark Twain boats coming in I was I wasn't working that day, but I was an employee. Is meal and when that happened I could have been as an I did a show right in front of that it could have happened right there. I was there with Gourley and he said you were there too, and and he was saying I worked here when that smoke Mountain decapitation happened or something like what was it Thunder Mountain the railroad like some kid guys just connected, then.
It's as if you break his neck levels. There's two groups of people the people that know what I'm talking about the people are like she get your fucking point. I'm sorry about that. I want to describe the one Disneyland death. That is amazing to me. Yeah, it's a Mark Twain book coming in it's so gross and when it comes around.
If it's beyond a certain speed you're supposed to let it go all the way around like and the people on board it happens sometimes. They go what the fuck and the Blaze and Joe coming to too fast wouldn't want a horrible thing to happen, so we're going all the way around and I'm sure everyone's like fuck you you fucking dead.
Haha. Yeah, I got a pass. McCain. cold ever seen. 30 I'm going to fucking lose the time of my life your fucking around with me you fucking bureaucrats what they do. Know is that what happens when you don't do that is this the the the Riverboat came in a little too fast the manager on duty didn't know enough to let him.
He was not the regular guy not sure how much is a proc about apocryphal as you say a word. I learned from you. How much is it, but I read this on many websites, and they had animated gifts on the side that were like no good schools that had Mouse ears on them, so. Think this is the real story. The Riverboat came in they didn't they tied it off even though.
It was coming into fast the Rope went out and and the first thing that happened is it what I supposed to say tout taught you say tout tout know it out is a guy that gives you tips on a racetrack bagel. Bag o fuck you guys I. I wish like like wiggle. I'm a lion guy only ever read these words. I never heard anyone say that my mom.
Never said Tout. Todd town I read it I know what it means.
He danced till says battle. It's a bad goal. It's about some Pepcid bag the first three letters are bag. To push it in a baggie guys are dicks. You know. I just I just don't get it and one day you will the road the Rope stretches huge there. A cross hanky-panky a crime that was a father that was embarrassing.
I'm sorry about that. Across The Shins of the of the guy who called for the tying off of the thing snaps both of his chins in half because it goes so tight that's that's chapter one if I wouldn't even mention this story if that's all that happened the Rope then pulls on the metal cleat in the dock so hard that the metal cleat.
Up roots from the wood and slingshots at the speed of sound across Disneyland and explodes a dudes head. Yeah, everyone from what I remember and again who knows how much is apocryphal or not, but that one guy's foot got mostly severed. I believe and I went through a guy's head who got mostly de Kathy and the future of the guys.
I don't know how familiar you are with. Frontierland, but apparently the douche foot like the gut the guy shoot landed in the Mexican restaurant, which is which is a it's not not right there. It's like a little away for shoot it go if your foot still minute. Yeah the front. Is to assume Frontier land is right where the Mexican restaurants are?
It was a it was a Tomorrowland adjacent Mexican restaurant that served only. Regressive Mexican food they had hologram refried beans and Laser blasier churros literature, anyways you've left out the important part. That wasn't the shoe had the foot still in it believe so the guy is the thing went to the guys went through a guy's face and knocked his head off, and there's blood everywhere apparently and then went through a guy's foot in the foot landed in someone's enchilada, and then it's in the news first.
An hour because Disneyland owns the entire goddamn world and that they got hey everybody you can run this for 24 hours, and then if you run it again will shut you down like what whether it's by the time the newspapers ran at the story was that Disneyland had a new severed foot world. They had they had created a whole mythology there were a costume characters.
There was a mayor of severed foot World. There was a new ride Mark Ruffalo was there. Hello, everyone was pretending that one foot and they're singing a song that was written by Randy Newman. It was they were there. It's it's it's a dystopia. Yeah. It's a dystopic llegado food near food. Got an appointment your food.
I don't need nobody cuz I'm not in the mood. I said you gotta put in your food.
Thank you for coming to hydrogen atom everybody one more time for Adam. Thank you all for coming right you guys are the best. Thank you so much. We love you Dad have an I'm Jeff Davis. Thank you. Everybody here at nerd Mouse Halloween everybody dresses, Garrison Flex snake. We're going to get it on.
Colorful as a branch of the United States government is the mission of the National Security Agency to assess a flag citizens of the country who may present a threat to its secure thinking. NSA has clearance to wiretap by any means necessary tapped incidental recordings of private conversations from the files of the NSA.
References[edit | edit source]
- "Episode: 1 - Achieve Weightlessness". harmontown.com. Harmontown.